12 Hidden Gems in Fields Built for You to Come
Welcome to Hella Immaculate, I love you.
I’m Dave, a comedian and budding abolitionist. I love making light of heavy shit and taking frivolous things too seriously. Hella Immaculate is my existential, spiritual, political, creative-process-and-culture-obsessed alt-weekly.
You can support my work by sharing it or paying me to keep making it! Do that through Patreon, and you’ll get hella goodies and other chances to connect.
The Drunkenness of Noah, Andrea Sacchi (1599-1661)
I was in middle school when I read a USA Today insert that recommended Field of Dreams, saying, “If this movie doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, you don’t have feelings.” I’ve resented that arbitrary, black-or-white proposition ever since.
If you build it, they will come. But when?
And do you have any idea how much maintenance an entire building requires before even one person you’re waiting for walks in?
And does it matter where “it’s” built? It must. If it’s between several other buildings, it would seem you’re guaranteed to at least get some overflow traffic, some poor drunk souls turned around on their way to Starbucks.
Are you building it in a field? How will people find it? Are you inviting press to cover it for their Hidden Gems in Fields feature? Should we say, “Build it, write a press release, develop positive relationships with members of the local media, and they will come”?
What are you building?
Who is “they”?
How will they get here? Should you also build a public transit system with a dedicated stop for your Thing, as if anyone lives near the Space Needle.
They build light rails, and people don’t go to those for shit. Little spider-webbed monuments to retro-futurism and what seems like The Good Idea in a vacuum.
To get people to come, do you need to stand out front welcoming them in, or barking with flyers announcing a 50%-off Grand Opening sale? Do you need a logo? Do you need no logo?
Should you do market research about “them”? A/B test some Facebook ads to see what they respond to?
What if they don’t come? What if they don’t come.
Is it enough that you’ve built it? Can you use it for anything, play in it yourself, or strip it for parts?
What if you raze it to build anew? Should you rebuild on the old site? Pack up and break new ground?
“What is that?”
“Oh, some builder. He keeps hammering, and when any of us ask what for, he just says, ‘So they come.’ Like… okay, Noah.”
Flood’s coming.
THIS IS MY PODCAST, THIS IS YOUR AFTERLIFE
I talked to: Nate Varrone (Second City, Tooning Out the News), one of the funniest people in the world you may not have known but will treasure forever now that you do. Here’s his viral character Mr. Simp Sexual, which is very funny and also so upsetting it makes me want to curl up in a cave and shrivel to dust.
We talked about: speaking in tongues, how much office jobs suck, Something > Nothing, leveling up socially in middle school and being a dick to your anime nerd friends, SPEAKING IN TONGUES
THEY’RE JUST, LIKE, MY SUGGESTIONS, MAN
Listen, I’ll be honest, I don’t have any smart articles or cool shows or good fundraisers to recommend this week (budget’s been tighter, so I haven’t been scouring as hard on the latter front, but I’m always open to suggestions!).
I will say this, and I’ll say it as non-committally as I can to avoid jinxing. I recently met with a very funny New York comedian friend of mine (who just made it into JFL’s New Faces! i.e. the ultimate “hot young up-and-comers” comedy showcase) to talk about our shared love of Survivor. We both have strong opinions about it and microphones, and I have enough podcast experience to handle editing and distribution of podcast audio. Our conversation was very exciting, and we have started the ball rolling on a New Project. What could it be?! Very obvious to literally everyone reading, but I have not said anything outright!
Look forward to that project in the next couple months.
Got a response to something here? Reply or comment, and I’ll hit you back.
MAY I PLAY YOU A SOUND?
New Calvero! If you’ve subscribed for a minute, you know Gabe (aka Calvero) is a close buddy (who’s appeared on This Is Your Afterlife!), AND I love his music.
This new one is all the Enya/Sixpence None the Richer vibes he’s been channeling, but makes them slap. Major teen-movie-climax vibes. Enjoy “Black Rain”!
Doon doo wah ay,
DM