I shaved my beard, and now I'm a millennial Cathy cartoon
Hella Immaculate is thoughts and FEELINGS, hyper-specific playlists, and little actions to improve the world, from comedian Dave Maher.
Artsy effect masking double-chin insecurity
I shaved my beard a few days ago, and congratulations to me, I’m making waves as big as the orchestra teacher at my suburban high school when he shaved the mustache no one had ever seen him without. I know my facial hair is not globally important, but it spun me into a minor epiphany I want to share re: body positivity/shame.
One of the reasons I shaved was to see my double chin every day. I’ve gained a nice grip of weight in quarantine and was already at my previous heaviest when it started. I figured seeing the weight gain so clearly on my face would both encourage me to accept my body and motivate me to make some changes. (The oxymoron did not occur to me.)
Monday night, I was scrolling Instagram while eating the whole bag of chocolate covered raisins I ordered for the week when I came across a post from some activist or journalist or who-the-hell-knows because I’ve followed so many people recently who all kind of serve the purpose of general social/political enlightenment. She was complaining about her acupuncturist mentioning her COVID weight gain, and if you had read this paragraph back to me a few years ago, I would ask what millennial Cathy cartoon you were reading from.
The indeterminate influencer ended her post with boilerplate body-positive takeaways, and that’s when I googled “how to be body positive and healthy.” Until that search, I believed body positivity was a just fine thing for everyone else to do. But I thought trying it meant forcing myself to embrace eating the bag of chocolate raisins as exactly where I need to be right now.
Fortunately, I stumbled on this article, which led me to the epiphany: The raisin bag makes me feel like shit! Not my weight.
I didn’t realize treating my body positively would mean NOT eating the raisin bag, not to reach a far-off weight-loss goal but because the raisin bag made me feel like shit RIGHT THEN, the hour after I ate it.
I knew I felt like shit, but I thought it was because I don’t look how I want. I hate having a big belly and extra chins. But then I asked myself, “What if I was the weight I am now, except I always felt comfortable in my clothes, could run and swim and climb stairs and move about as freely as I want, and had all the stamina I need to perform on stage regularly?”
I did not like my answer to that question, which was, “Ew, fuck that. Be happy and free without striving for impossible perfection? Focus only on what I can control instead of trying to bend the world to my will? Nah, I’ll stick to the self-flagellation I’m used to.”
But that answer sucks, so now I’m scrambling for a new one. I don’t have it yet because my body positivity is still just an epiphany, and the unrelenting masochism program my brain has been running for three decades is hard to scrub. But I know this: Accepting myself doesn’t have to mean embracing gluttony. It actually means putting down the bag of raisins, just not for the reasons I thought.
I’ve spoiled the hate-myself half of my reason for shaving, so now I have to accept myself. Or grow the beard back.
Free: Writing Prompt
Here’s a free writing prompt from my Unblock the Artist Within class!
What's the hardest thing for you to accept about yourself?
Can you possibly guess the inspiration for this one??????
Wamp Wamp (What to Do)
Subscribe to my new podcast This Is Your Afterlife. The trailer is available wherever podcasts are (Spotify is lagging, but it’ll be there soon), or you can listen by smashing the button below. I’m releasing 4 episodes for the premiere next Tuesday, August 18. Subscribing now ensures you get them all ASAP. I’ll announce guests on IG and Twitter later this week.
Take my classes! My one-off “Storytelling for Beginners” workshop and the first class in my 8-week “Unblock the Artist Within” course got pushed back a week, so there’s still time to sign up before they start this Saturday, August 15.
Feed a family by donating $40 to Coffee, Hip Hop and Mental Health (I did, match me!). Just text “donate.feedchi” to 77948. CHHAMH is dedicated to normalizing conversation about mental health, and they’ve pivoted to feeding Chicagoans during the pandemic because hunger = poor mental health. They’re aiming to give a week’s worth of groceries to 10,000 families at the end of August, and you can help them do it. Learn more about The People’s Food Drive here.
Read this whole thread to educate yourself about the threats to the U.S. Postal Service. It took me a bit to clue into just what a crisis this is because mail is boring, but it’s truly a threat to the soul of America, not to mention its day-to-day functionality.
I Want to Make a Mix for You
I’m making my way through this great, non-canonical celebration of Southern rap and figured I’d lightly comb it for this week’s playlist, my Woefully Inadequate Southern Rap Primer. Here are songs I think are unfairly slept on, a whole mid-section of songs I’m just discovering, and some UNBEATABLE HEATERS. In “The Last Dance,” someone calls Michael Jordan possibly the best person at their job in history, and I think “Hard in Da Paint” is similar in doing what it sets out to do better than any song I can think of right now.
Southern rap owns summer soundtracks, and I hope you can at least take a nice walk feeling like a pimp to this playlist.
Love,
Raisin Bag
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Who is Dave Maher?
I’m a writer/performer and comedian who creates one-man shows that combine standup, theater, improvisation, storytelling, and performance art. I also teach, act, and do voiceover. I've appeared on/at/with This American Life, the Edinburgh Fringe, Steppenwolf Theatre, the Annoyance Theatre, and the Neo-Futurists, and I used to write for Pitchfork.