I’m looking for drastic actions.
It should be no surprise to anyone who has read Definitive Answers the past couple weeks that I’m pretty stuck, existentially. COVID disregulation blocking me from performance, at a time when it feels more essential than ever to my sanity. The hand of underemployment slowly squeezing my throat. Compulsion to distraction (read: watching “Real Housewives of Potomac”) keeping me from facing any of it.
External forces have weakened me, and I’ve responded by self-cannibalizing. “You can’t hurt me. I’ll destroy myself!”
I talked to my sponsor Wednesday afternoon, and he suggested any action that feels available to me, any opportunity to make a change, I should taken it. What’s that mean? Full-time job? Maybe. Go back to school? Probably not. Move to Louisville? What if!
But one thing immediately came to mind. Quit DSA. Not the whole org, but the leadership committee I joined reluctantly to keep the racist socialists from steering it away from the abolitionist work I love. But this leadership body is full of “that guy”s who loved to argue for argument’s sake in college, white people who refuse to acknowledge the experience of anyone marginalized, and emails upon emails of people lashing out with the meanest shit to each other on seemingly unquestioned impulse.
So I quit. Wednesday night. I sent an email with the subject line “I’m out” telling those leaders just how poisonous and nasty that committee space was for me. And right after? I felt free. It’s the most agency I’ve felt in months. Maybe years.
So I’m looking for more things to quit. Or start. Anything to DO. I’m trying to get addicted to making my life look different.
Got a response to something here? Want to join my weekly workshops for storytelling or kickstarting your creative practice? Reply or comment, and I’ll hit you back.
THIS IS MY PODCAST, THIS IS YOUR AFTERLIFE
Quick note: next week’s guest is L’Rain!! I’ve been trying to book her for half a year, since right before her album Fatigue was named Pitchfork’s #2 album of 2021. The record is incredible, and she was as fun and interesting to talk to as I hoped. So get psyched for that one.
New Afterlife Movie Club episode this week! Rapper SHOWYOUSUCK rejoined me to talk about the Adam Sandler Popeye’s commercial, Little Nicky. It’s on HBOMax, and it’s short, so you could watch and then listen for maximal enjoyment, though I don’t think a viewing is necessary.
I went in trying to see if we could take the movie seriously enough to extract deeper meaning from it, but only if it came organically. I didn’t want to force it. Most of the conversation was a discussion of cameos and 2000s butt rock, but at the end, we did find a lane to discuss good and evil and whether there is a balance or needs to be. And I was excited we were able to overthink it to that point.
MOOD BOARD
Take one of my writing workshops (Sundays 11a-1p or Thursdays 7-9p). It’s a one-month commitment you re-up at the end of the month only if you want. Personal narratives, comedy sketches, standup, performance pieces, fiction, children’s books, weirder experimental projects: all genres welcome! Reply or use this form to inquire more and register.
I donated $10 to Chicago Torture Justice Center. No one joined me (genuinely no shade), but I said I’d report our total and there it is!
I enjoyed exploring this thread of poems people would want read to them as they die.
MAY I PLAY YOU A SOUND?
I teased it last week, and it’s Indian rap time, baby! Inspired by this excellent introduction to the genre.
First up is “Mere Gully Mein,” one of the O.G. tracks of gully rap (as it’s so sickly called). An Indian friend told me “gully” means “alley” or “back way,” and my understanding is that gully rap is the sound of the people, with more political content than current American street rap (though early gangsta rap was certainly political).
“Mere Gully Mein” made it into Gully Boy, a Bollywood movie that blew up gully rap. And fuck, man, it’s just so fun, from the goofy mouth sounds that open it to the full-on BOUNCE of the chorus. At least one of the dudes in the video is the actor from the movie, so I’m not fully sure what’s going on, but it’s def a party.
Quit shit,
DM